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Soumyana's Islamic Stories. Curriculum. Crafts. Compassion blog.

The Hate WE Give

11/10/2018

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Three things I resonate with in “The Hate (We) Give.”
 
You might think because I’m white, I don’t know what prejudice is.
But I feel what a lot of minorities feel, because, when you are part of a minority yourself, you feel what other minorities feel.

I know what it means when people expect the worse from you just because they boxed you in.

As I finish watching “The Hate You Give,” I know what Star is feeling.

A brush in our hand appears like a weapon in other people’s hands. Depending how you wave it. True.

A veil on a mannequin’s face is fashionable. A veil on your face threatens. True.

A bag in anyone’s hand means nothing, but in your hand, it means stealing.

As I grew up, a word in my mouth didn’t mean the same thing as the same word in someone else’s mouth.

No wonder I’m at war with words; they didn’t serve me well.

Also, when people always think you’re lying because you do not fit the boxes they think you fit in, they attribute you a color.

I’ve been British for some time, then Lebanese for a while, then Moroccan and mostly Algerian.

My color is white. It happens to be my color. But I’m a rainbow inside.

“If you don’t see my color, you don’t see me,” says Star.

When people do not see you for who you are, it makes you invisible. It makes you feel you don’t matter.
They do not see your true colors.
Therefore, you do not exist for them.

Few people have ever seen my true colors because I don’t really fit any box they think my color fits in.

As I was growing up, they called us Gypsy because we moved a lot and they knew ”Zora The Red” who depicted a girl who looked like my sisters, and we had a medley of accents and words we picked here and there. And we did actually spend an entire winter in a trailer under several meters of snow. That was our only home.

We didn’t belong to a community as it is common with minorities.
I envied minorities a lot because, at least, they knew with whom they belonged.
They knew the codes. They could switch codes.

Wow! They could switch codes!


If you know the codes, you can belong anywhere.
We didn’t know the codes. Worse, we weren’t even aware that codes existed.


I sort of envy Star.


She realized that the communities are responsible for problems.
Among her last words are, “The hate WE give.”

We’re all in on that.

It’s up to all of us.

To reverse prejudices.

To see other people’s true colors.

Because, in reality, those colors are there to be seen. They’re not hidden. They’re not camouflaged.
They’re here to be seen.
And some people yell out loud their colors and are still not heard.

That’s because we are quick to box in.

I’m not angry at anyone who does not see my colors.
Life already told me they’re not visible to most, except to a few.

But it gives me the strength to see other people’s colors.

It gives me the strength to understand that people are not made of one solid color.

People have rainbows inside.
Whatever they call it.


Finally, I don’t think there is a magical power in my name. My name means “the lady of the forest”. It comes from Latin.
It sounds a little like the fictional characters of Anne of Green Gables: The Lady of Forest…

My parents didn’t give it to me to make a point. They didn’t give it to me to give me power and remind me I’m strong.

Star is so lucky.

But it’s mine and I wouldn’t change it. It reminds me that it means something. Like “Khalil” means something to Star. It means something to someone...

So, it can be the hate that we give for everything people have done to us, to our community, to our race.

But it also can be...

The love that we give.
Yes, the love that we give back to our people and then to people who are not our people.

What did we learn and what are we sowing?

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30 Days Toward More Compassion: Day 23

6/7/2018

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Listen.

Listening is one of the most compassionate gesture everyone can afford!

Do not try to control.

Whoever needs to control others shows a deepest fear and sometimes a lack of self-esteem. You want to control because you know you are not really in control.

Yes, you managed to pound your ideas into others' brains.
That feels good.

But it is the opposite of being compassionate.

You will not control others, not matter how much you desire it.
They will not think like you.
They will not follow your lead.
They will not listen.

They are their own people.
Everyone is his or her own captain.

Being compassionate is to acknowledge that others can be right even when you think at first that they are wrong.

Being compassionate is to open up to others being right.
No matter what they say.



5 ways to become a better listener:

1) Suppress your urge to always have an opinion. It's not a contest. When you shut that voice inside you that says, "Me, me.." you open up to others. Good listeners get more respect than people who shover their opinions on others. Pushing your ideas on people is perceived as condescending and make you sound like a know-it-all.

2) Wait to express your opinion. Answer only when you are asked to. Sometimes no one will think of asking what you think. That's okay. Do not expect anyone to ask your opinion. When they do, you will have more time to form your thoughts and will sound better.

3) Expect to learn something from others. Talking to yourself is not a good way to learn new things. Everyone has something that can help you grow.

4) Do not assume that you know what the other person will say. Do not assume that you know the other person and have it all already charted in your mind. Listen out of curiosity.

5) Try to figure out the subtext of a conversation. Look at their body gestures and position, the way they hesitate, the way they look at other people for encouragement, the emotions behind the words. Imagine their life through their words and imagine what would push them tosay what they are saying. You can learn a lot from the subtext and be surprised how much you might be wrong.

People have many ways to surpise us.
Let other people surpise you.
Let them speak.
Hush....
Listen.

Imagine how much you learn when you pay attention to the sounds of the night.
Hush...
Listen



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30 days Toward More Compassion: Day 22

6/6/2018

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A diverse point of view…
makes you sound weird…
to a lot of people.
 
There is one thing I have noticed in the US that I haven’t noticed in Europe:
Having a divergent opinion makes you sound aggressive
This is a cultural thing.
Expressing different opinions in the US brings you enemies.
Why?
Because people tend to group with people who are alike and think the same way.
 
Because saying, “No, I don’t think so” makes you sound like you are looking for a fight
 
In France, expressing opposite points of view and even arguing over different points of view is fine and actually expected
Competence is shown through opposition
If you are able to see something no one has seen before and you are able to express it and prove it, then everyone will recognize your competence
You can argue an opinion and stay friends and even become closer friends
 
In the US, trying to have a conversation is a huge challenge
If every time you are trying to say something different you feel like you are going to make enemies, you probably will end up saying nothing and keep to yourself and follow the majority
 
Your voice will be smothered
 
In 1977, Lee Ross demonstrated the “false consensus effect” in which we assume that others think the same, but when they don't, we assume they have negative personality traits.

This is one of the major obstacles we are confronted with when we talk about compassion.
 
Why do we assume people who have different opinions are bad people or are stupid or even did not get it or are aggressive?
I think that’s why the US is so partitioned into tribes. That’s why race and social status have come to mean so much to people.
Being different is almost a political strike
 
Compassion cannot be obtained in these conditions
How can we be compassionate when we are not opened to what others have to say?

How can we communicate when we are only ready to hear what we want to hear?

Think about it.

Diverse points of view

You need to let them exist


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30 Days Toward More Compassion: day 21

6/5/2018

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Compassion is going outside your own concerns to make someone else's a priority. This is quite difficult to do as it goes against our natural survival instinct. Thank goodness some people can rise to this level.
 
Compassion is love in action
If your friend is having a bad day or is stressed out, you take their children out and you cook for the family.
You help an older person cross a road or you give up your seat for them.

It’s about experiencing the feeling of pain someone goes through. That feeling is translated into action because you want to do something about it.
It’s the ability to put someone’s needs forward before our own.

It is a lifestyle you adopt.

It’s usually not something you’re born with.
It’s acquired.
It’s the strength to stand out for others and be there for others.

It’s the base of Islam.
If you are Muslim, you have probably chosen this lifestyle.

It applies to people and it applies to the planet.

It is refusing to be part of the backstabbing team too.

Compassion is expressed in action.
Compassion can also be expressed in words.

Compassion ultimately can be applied in silence.

Being silent when someone judges others or backstab someone else is a way to show your disapproval.
It is a way to stop any further backstabbing.
It is a way to show people that you disapprove without being confrontational.

Sometimes we hear people close to us making comments about fat people, about a nationality, about people using too much make up or about bad habits someone has.

If you have true compassion for the people who cannot defend themselves, then you have to stop them from back stabbing by being silent.

Responding only causes people to justify themselves.
It increases the stabbing.

Most of the things you take for granted is actually not what you think.
People are not black and white. There are infinite shades of grey.
 
So here are 5 more compassionate behaviors you can try.
  1. Be silent. Respond to criticisms with silence.
  2. Do not take part in any backstabbing.
  3. Leave the room where people are criticizing others.
  4. Do not take anyone’s side, even your best friend. You are only going to hear part of the truth anyway. Everyone will make themselves look good. Tell your best friend that you are here to support him or her, but not to encourage hate.
  5. Do not backbite. If you disagree with someone or dislike their behavior, tell them. Get it out in the open. If you can’t talk about it or get it out there, get over it. Do not even think it. No one is perfect and you probably do not know the whole story.

Easier said than done, for sure.

It starts with education. Asking kids to tell their friends what frustrates them goes a long way to solve problems quickly, to end a bad feeling from developing, and to prevent a lot of future frustration for everyone.

Preventing children from venting their frustrations over a misunderstanding is a sure way to prevent the wrong kind of feelings to develop. They can call their friends on the phone and sort it out if they have to.
Do not take side.
They need to learn to express themselves.
They also learn to face people with the truth.
And they learn diplomacy.

Compassion starts in your head and in your heart.

You cannot be truly compassionate if you are not convinced this is an essential part of your life and it starts by the way you look at things.


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30 days Toward More Compassion: Day 20

6/4/2018

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Compassion opens our eyes.
 
Compassion is an eye opener.
 
Those who feel compassion are often people who went through a lot in life and have passed the stage where they no longer feel superior.

They no longer feel as judgmental as they used to be.
 
They know by experience that everyone can make mistakes.
They know and feel in their bones that no one is perfect.
They know for certain that no matter how much we try, we are still going to be imperfect.

 
Life proved to them that the divorced couples they criticized so severely is them now.

The parents who had a hard time disciplining their kids, not it’s them.

The person who was bankrupted, who they mocked, it’s them now.
 

Karma exists.
Well, you might call it differently.

I always say that the wheel of life turns and things go full turn.
 
---------------------------------------------------------
So, a little self-exploration is necessary.
Putting ourselves in question is essential.
 
I can tell you that everyone, even those self-righteous people, even the couple who seem heavenly happy, even those who say they have never touched bottom.
 
Everyone!
 
Every single person you meet have touched bottom in one area of their life.
They have suffered.
They have cried.
They have battled their inner demons.
They have dealt with crazy ideas, crazy obsessions, things they swore they would never do.
 
You have touched every corner of humanity.

Everyone of you have touched a person who have seen their own demons.

So when they meet people who may be alcoholic, who betrayed, who fell from their high horse, they do not feel the impulse to step on them like cockroaches or say, “I told you so.”
No.
On the contrary, they extend a hand and say, “I’ve been there. We have all been there. No one can tell they will never be there and they will never go that low.”

Because this can happen to us too.

They say hello to their worst fear with kindness and grace.

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30 Days Toward More Compassion: Day 19

6/3/2018

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The prerequisites for compassion are 3:
  • Empathy
  • Boundaries
  • Willingness to see others in the best possible light.
 
Compassion is a great tool to look at the world because it shows our limits and it reminds us that we can also become selfish and uncaring if we are not watching ourselves carefully.

Life takes a lot of efforts to live.

Life is not easy.

Life throws trials at us constantly.

If we lose the ability to look at others and feel empathy, we can become evil.
 
Wait!

Evil?

Yes.

Compassion keeps us in check.

So, what’s the difference between sympathy, empathy and compassion?
 
Sympathy is when you feel sorry for someone, but just in passing, without this affecting you. You say, “Oh, man, that must hurt,” and then forget about it. You might even laugh and say, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" as when someone falls.

Empathy is when we feel affected by others’ pain. You might share it too. You might say, “I feel for you. I’m so angry this happened to you.” But eventually, you clear out. The memeory can stay with you and haunt you for a while, but you are still not doing anything.

Compassion is when you actually act on the feeling of empathy and you go over and beyond to help someone.

You refuse to let it slip off your mind.

You can't let it go.

You refuse to turn your back. You just can't.

You give the homeless your shoes.
You give your hotel room to someone who has missed his plane and go sleep with a friend.
You do something to pull someone out of his or her misery.

Sometimes you just stop and listen to someone who need to talk, just talk and vent. You take the time to care.

You sacrifice something of yourself, maybe your time or your money or your comfort for this person. Often, it is a total stranger. someone you do not feel obligated to.

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30 Days Toward More Compassion: day 18

6/2/2018

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Killing people with kindness.
 
This expression comes from Shakespeare in his play: The Taming of the Shrewd.
Petruchio’s monologue (modern text translation), “…the way trainers do with young hawks that flutter and flap and will not obey. She had no food today and will have none. Last night she got no sleep, and she won’t get any tonight. Just as I did with the meat, I’ll make up some problem with the way the bed is made, and throw the pillow one way and the cushion the other, and the blanket over here and the sheets over there. And through all the shouting and fuss, I’ll swear that it’s all out of love for her. The end result will be that she’ll sit up all night. And if she starts to drop off, I’ll rant and yell until I wake her up. This is how to kill a wife with kindness. And this way I’ll cure her wild and willful nature. If anyone here knows a better way to tame a shrew, speak up, please. It would be much appreciated.” (Act 4, Scene 1)
 
It means responding to rudeness and mean people with kindness in order to cause some kind of epiphany.
It is about not staying upset all day, all night, and even all week.
Being extremely kind or helpful to bullies actually make them feel guilty.
That’s how you should treat the haters.
 
No matter what you do, some people will hate what you say, what you do, who you are.
There is no way you can change that.

That’s called diversity and thank you for diversity.
But everything has its good side and bad side.
Haters are the bad side of the diversity, but its a necessary side too.

If there are haters everywhere…
… that doesn’t mean you are hopeless.
You can actually do something about it.
 
Here are a few scenarios to kill them with kindness.
 
1) Be sincerely concerned.
When someone is mad at you for not moving fast enough, for obstructing the road with your family, etc., go see them and ask them if they are okay. Be sincerely concerned about their health.
Doing this will calm them down, make them think about their actions and maybe spare both of you unnecessary discomfort. No one needs more stress in their lives.
 
2) Losing your spot.
When someone is in such a hurry he or she has to yell and elbow people, offer them your spot. Tell them you didn’t know how hard life was for them and they deserve to go first.
It doesn’t cost you to back up and let a disruptive person have his or her way. Think about the consequences if you actually get angry, make snipe remarks, become upset for days over a place in a queue. Your health is much too precious to lose in on some seconds you might lose.
 
3) Nicer than nice.
When someone insists on doing something unreasonable, go along with it. Go above and beyond to make them happy.
In the end, there is a good chance they will realize their mistake. That’s much better than an exhausting direct confrontation.
 
4) No fault of my own.
People get consumed by negative feelings. Be so kind to people that they cannot find a way to discredit you or find anything wrong with you.
You know you have done your best for them; you have nothing to be remorseful about. You are kind to them for your own benefit.
 
5) They go low, we go high.
Michelle Obama said, “When they go low, we go high.” By embracing the haters and responding in kind, we stoop at their level.
When they go low, we go high. We respond in kindness because otherwise we become worse than they are.
 
Note!
Do not weaponize kindness. Kindness is one of the rare things that should stay pure without bad intentions.
You can actually make someone’s day by killing them with kindness.
Sometimes we need to be reset.
Sometimes we are upset and frustrated and take it on the first person who irritates us.
We go overboard.
 
Angry people can actually go to extremes when their frustrations are rising throughout the day.
Sometimes we get more and more angry as time passes. It’s like we are trapped in a cycle.
A little killing by kindness can reset all of that and place our feelings back at their rightful place.
 
 
Someone killing us with kindness can actually bring tears to our eyes and release or deflate our frustration.

Of course, I wouldn’t use this on anyone.
But I think if you do this not in the spirit of hurting or teaching a lesson, it’s not kindness anymore. It's not kindness at all.

Instead, do it in the spirit of helping.
It can help both of you.


So go kill them with kindness, with real honest kindness.


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30 Days Toward More Compassion: Day 17

6/1/2018

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Compassion will make the world a better place.

Trust me.

It makes the heart feel lighter, for both the giver and the recipient.

But compassion needs boundaries.

If compassion is the ability to see things from the perspective of others and seek understanding, even when it is harmful to us, even when we disagree with what others are doing, even when it plays out against us, we need to create boundaries.

We need to be able to be able to advocate for our own needs and defend ourselves if we do not want to be exploited, manipulated, abused.

It's called setting compassionate boundaries.

First, what will you let people do that will still be okay with you and will not damage your relationships?

Decide how much you are ready to accept prior to put yourself in a precarious situation.

Be clear on what will constitute crossing over boundaries.

Then explain this to people when they go too far.

Having compassion is great, but you deserve some respect too. It is important to keep the respect of others.

You are not compassionate because you want to be a people pleaser. You are compassionate because you firmly believe that the world needs more compassion and more understanding.

It's part of your values.

It's a conscious decision.

You might be compassionate, but you are strong too.

Tell people how you wish to be treated openly and calmly.
Explain what you expect.
Describe what you are not willing to do, what you are not willing to accept depending on your values and desires.
You can state the consequences of crossing the boundaries.

Example: Yes, Y, I know how you feel. I have been a mother too. I understand you are tired at work because you have to take care of your baby. I can babysit for you if you want so that you can take a rest, but you cannot sleep at work. I have to do all the work on my own and you are not taking responsibility for your actions. If you keep coming late and sleep on the job, I will have to report you to the boss. I don't want to do this and I want to help you go over a bump in your life outside work, but at work, you need to act professionally.

Being compassionate is to go above and beyond for others (propose to take care of baby while colleague sleeps), but you also need to keep boundaries (the place of work is the place to work).

Be prepared to not get what you want.

If the person says no or does not appreciate your effort, it's fine. You did your best.


5 more compasionate things  to do:

1) Express sincere gratitude to someone who did something nice for you. Friends an family are often forgotten. Say thank you to your children, spouse, relatives, or friends.

2) Give someone the benefit of the doubt. Your spouse is not answering, maybe he or she didn't hear you or is busy and didn't pay attention. Someone is late for an appointment. Maybe there was too much traffic.

3) Send a hand-written note to someone to tell them to hold on, that they're not alone. Can they use this card as a pick-me-up? A thank you card is good too.

4) Drive peacefully.
Many people experience driving rages when other drivers are too slow or make mistakes. Drive patiently and that doesn't only mean your car. That also means your bike, your skateboard, your stroller, your cart in shops, etc. Others are also trying to get to work, to school, home, etc.

5) Cook something.
Food is a big magnets to friendships. Cook for someone. Cook what you can, even if it's something from a box. Especially in Ramadan, giving someone the means of breaking their fast is highly praised.

And set good boundaries too.


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30 Days Toward More Compassion: Day 16

5/30/2018

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Some people will try to discourage you to do the right thing and to act compassionate.

Be a superhero.

Actually, many people will not understand you.

Even worse, people will lose respect toward you if you do not pay attention.

Compassion is not something that is admired in some cultures; it is admired in others.

Compassion might be looked upon as diminishing and weakening by some people, and a virtue by others.

But guess what?
You are compassionate because it makes you feel good.

You are compassionate because the birds will thank you.

The poor will thank you.

The old granny will thank you.

Allah will thank you.

The thing with compassion is that it often makes you look bad in the eyes of the public, but not in the eyes of the one who gets the benefit from it.

Each year, my kids and I used to go to a group that provided games and a lunch for the kids in town.
People liked to join because it provided socialization and exercise, away from computers and cell phones, two things kids need desperately.

My kids and I cleaned up the parks after the activity was over.
It happened that a group of teenagers unwrapped their food and threw the wraps at our feet to show us how much they thought about our cleaning.

Many people think you are wortheless if you do not always show yourself in a position of superiority and strength.

But guess what?

These days, the birds thanked us.
The grass thanked us.
The teens' groundwater thanked us.
Silently.

To be truly compassionate you need to be convinced in your heart that you're doing something worthwhile when no one values what you are doing.

Allah sees your efforts and, remember, you are judged by your intentions.

I was really mad when a town in the US forbade people to help the homeless.
How dare they?

So, here are the 5 new things you can do around you:

1) Be kind to the homeless.
Smile to them. Give them food. Talk to them for a minute. Buy them a coffee. Give them a coin. Many are normal people who had a bad turn in life. It could happen to anyone. Make an emergency pack and store it in your car and give it to a homeless.

2) Remove a rock from the road.
In Islam, we are urged to remove something from the road that could hurt someone or create an accident. Trash cans blown away in the street can be a real danger. A tree branch on a skateboard ramp can hurt a kid. Look around and remove that obstacle from the road.

3) Speak up.
This one is harder, but can be done.
A good word to someone can make their day.
Defending someone can help them feel better.
In Islam, we are told to change the world around us.
If we do something physically, great. It's the best way. But if we can only say a word, just a word, then say it. It's still good stuff.

4) Smile.
Smiling and saying hello in Islam is very important.
Nothing is more depressing than meeting someone who does not smile. Tell a joke if you can. Make someone smile is even better.

5) Do not criticize.
Maybe the hardest thing to do is to hold one's tongue. There is a saying that warns, "If you have nothing nice to say, do not say anything at all." Live by that saying.
You can control what comes out of your mouth.
Try not to box people in.
Try to uderstand their motivations.


Do not be discouraged by anyone.
Do things because it matters to you.


Be your own superhero.
No one needs to know.
You need to know it.


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30 Days Toward More Compassion: Day 15

5/30/2018

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So, you have been fasting for 15 days now.
You are half way there.

Congratulations!

Did you take the time to examine your life?
Did you take yearly resolutions?
Did someone help you in anyway to dig deeper?
Did you show more compassion?

The Tibetan Buddhists say that the compassionate person is a warrior.
Being more compassionate is not easy
It's a choice
But it is a choice to feel better, to give back to the world, and to combat our stressful lives.

What are the ways to show more compassion?

Take care about the Earth,

Everyone can afford that.

Everyone can do it.

Here are 5 ways to care for the Earth.

1) Clean a spot.
Yes. Clean a spot. Have you ever gone outside, in a forest, in  a park, in the streets, in a river, in an abandoned plot of land, and just picked up the trash?
That's an act of compassion.
Plastic is the stuff you want to pick up.
Plastic bags, rings, and bottles kill an incredible number of animals every year.

1 million sea birds are killed every year after swallowing plastic bags.

Plastic bags can release harmful chemicals in the ground that pollute tap water. Landfills release a number of chemicals in the groundwater that slowly kill our environment.

2) Bring your own bags to the grocery store.
The less you use plastic bags, the less they will pollute the landfills.
To their benefit, some supermarkets use now recyclable plastic bags, but what is the use of this program if few people return the plastics to the area where they recycle them?
Look at the entrance of big shopping centers and see if they have bins to put the plastic bags you are not using after shopping.

But to be honest, coming to the shop with your own bags and reuse them over and over again is one little compassionate gesture that can save many animals.

3) Recycle.
Recycling bins are everywhere. Some areas even have a recycling truck that comes to your door. So, recycle as much as you can. Many things are recyclable these days. You would be surprised.

Here is a list of things that can be recycled and the things that cannot.
Ecoscraps:

https://www.ecoscraps.com/blogs/sustainable-living/76411652-a-simple-list-of-what-can-and-cannot-be-recycled

If you already recyle, recycle more.
Batteries can be dropped at some locations.

Rechargeable batteries can replace the disposable ones.

Avoid buying anything that's disposable and invest in something more lasting.

4) Buy only what you need.
Do you really need everything you have?
If yes, congratulations.
If not, find ways to declutter.

Give away things you do not need, that are just lying around and that could make others happy.

Be a sensible buyer.
Empty your closets and look at what you already have.


5) Buy in bulk...
... to avoid extranuous packaging.

If you can buy fruits and vegetables non-packaged, do it.
Although some packaging are recyclable, some are not.
Buying in bog quantity helps you avoid small packages that are a strain on our resources.

These are 5 practical things you can use every single day of your life.
At first, it will be hard.
Little steps.
You will become more and more aware of your environment the more you pay attention to it.

You can do  it.
You can teach it around you.
You can save many lives by simple daily gestures.

Think bigger than yourself.


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<<Previous

    Next big event:

    Soumy Ana

    Here you are!
    Assalam alaikum and welcome.

    I have been writing Islamic fiction since I became Muslim, in 1992.
    For years. I mostly wrote short stories, but then I realized the need to become a professional writer. My skills needed to improve substantially before I could claim  to be any good at it.
    I partly stopped writing for Muslims because I did not get a lot of support at the time. Things have changed since. And partly because I needed to write stories that would be of any interest to critique partners. I felt the need of other professionals to support my passion and grow my skills. 
    My heart always had a regret: not to be able to write with my own voice.
    My stories are diverse. The oldest ones are more preachy. 

    So here are my tales of compassion. Enjoy! And do not hesitate to comment.
    Nice to meet you.

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