Showing compassion is to be able to put oneself in someone's skin and understand what this person is saying or doing.
Compassion is being able to deal with angry people.
When people are angry, there is no dialogue possible.
They are right, you are wrong, no matter what you are saying.
So, you want to leave them with the best impression of you possible.
Maybe later they can remember you and see you through a better angle and maybe rethink what happened.
Maybe later you can talk with this person again and have a real discussion.
As Muslims, we have met our share of angry people.
We have met our share of people who have prejudices toward us.
We have met our share of people who misjudge us.
It is easy to get angry.
To get snappy.
To yell.
To lose it.
Maybe the most dangerous encounter I have had was with a fervent defender of the writer Salman Rushdie. I believe violence could have happened.
"You know Salman Rushdie," he said.
"No."
"Come on, you have to know him."
"No, I'm sorry."
"You are a Muslim, you must have heard of him. There was a fatawa against him, so you surely have heard and you're lying. You are all liars."
It was easy to get angry.
It was easy to yell that it's not because someone sent a fatawa over the world that I have to answer it and even agree with it.
Many people believe Muslims form an entity that moves like one, almost robotically. They do not realize we are individuals who think in many different ways. They do not realize we only obey to Allah (God), not to men.
At the time, I didn't know anything about the polemic.
I didn't want to know.
I was a student and my big problem was to become a better Muslim, not to be part of anything political or controversial. Trying to become a better person can take one's all energy.
Thankfully, this agressive man understood that the place wasn't appropriate for this kind of debate and he was picking on someone who had no part in this.
So here are a few tips to avoid confrontations:
1) Gently, but firmly state that you do not appreciate being yelled at. Use eye contact and stand straight.
2) Refuse to enter the debate. No matter what. An angry person will only look at your body language, use your words against you, and they will not listen a word you say only to confirm what they already think.
3) So, explain that because there is a conflict, no one is in a state where they can have a decent or reasonable dicussion. Both of you need to calm down.
Say something like, "Can we discuss this later when I'm not so tired/ flustered/ in a rush? I want to give you a 100%."
or
"Did you have a bad day? I understand. I sometimes feel so angry at the world."
or
"Hi, I'm X. This is a shop. There are kids here."
The idea is to surprise, make the person back up, and redirect the focus of the agression.
4) State what you expect from the discussion.
Say something like, "I'd love to discuss this with you. I think we can both learn something. But it would be nice at the end of the discussion to find a way to compomise on this."
or
"I would rather not discuss this. I do not have good arguments, but I would gladly hear yours."
or
"Can I get back to you when I learn more about this? I really don't know what this is all about. But I'm glad you mentioned it."
5) Listen carefully to the other person's arguments.
6) Stay aware of your emotions and do not let them take over.
7) Have an open mind. Nod from time to time to encourage without formulating an opinion. Keep to yourself. No one is opened to your arguments until they have vented all of theirs.
8) Say what you understand without giving your opinion.
Say something like, "So, from your point of view, I understand that..." That gives the other person a chance to make sure you heard them correctly.
9) Ask a few questions. That allows you to show your interest and your respect for the other person. That also gives you time to think about your answer.
10) You can also use words to explain how you feel.
Say something like, "I felt humiliated when you... I don't know what to say because I have never heard of this... I felt ignored when you..."
11) Push your own feelings aside. When someone is angry, it's not about you. It's about diffusing their agressivity. It's about giving the other person a factual response that do not involve feelings. It's about answering their concerns and make them feel like they misjudged you.
Maybe you are targetted because you are Muslim or you feel like you have to defend your religion. Don't. At least not just yet. Let the other person get it out of their chest first. Show some interest about who they are.
This is a thing.
Someone found a way to prove that a criminal might be less likely to shoot you if you say three personal things about yourself.
Why?
Because that makes you human in their eyes.
Compare, "X met in a shop."
Compare to: "X loves cats to pieces and everything related to art, makes cookies for the children hospital."
Don't you think you already know me at some level?
12) Formulate a response. "I feel so ignorant because I have never heard of this writer before and I don't even know what the debate is about. Have you read his books? I have never read his books myself."
or
"Yes, I've heard of it, but I didn't take part in the debate. By law, people can write whatever they want. Muslims respect the laws in the land they live in. It's not my place to judge."
What you are doing is deflating the tension while focusing the debate on something positive and constructive.
This is what compassion is all about: understand what others feel and do not make it something about yourself.
Understand that...
Anger is built over time.
Anger comes from feelings of frustration and one of them is the feeling of injustice.
(What? Muslims are terrible people and no one does anything about it? I'm going to do something about it.)
It probably took this person a lot of time to amount to that level of frustration.
It has nothing to do with you.
It is often based on prejudices, false information, misleading readings, and comes from an environment that reinforces the feeling of frustration.
Diffuse to infuse.